Tuesday, July 18, 2006

An alternative Neil Diamond classic

Drunkard singing: Sweet Caroline, dah dah dah, I feel fired! Dah dah dah!

-Front Street West

posted by A. @ 5:49 PM

Perhaps it's loonie, but we usually price in Cdn dollars

American tourist: Excuse me, how much is this newspaper?
Cashier girl: Seventy-five cents.
Tourist: Is that American or Canadian?
Cashier: Canadian.

-Newsstand in CBC building

posted by A. @ 5:43 PM

Sunday, July 09, 2006

You should have seen that coming

Chick: I send you to my psychic and you don't even call me?!

-Brant House

posted by A. @ 6:10 PM

Saturday, July 08, 2006

Mmm. Spam rolls anyone?

Dude: So, you're going to make spam hors d'oeuvres?
Chick: Yes!!

-John Street

posted by A. @ 11:17 PM

You're on something...

Fabulous sales dude: I loooove damages -- you know, the clothes that have something wrong with them. I hide them on the bottom shelf there for later... I also love folding. Wow. I'm really revealing a lot to you. I feel like I'm on Larry King or the View or something.

-Club Monaco, Queen Street West

posted by A. @ 11:13 PM

Thursday, July 06, 2006

Dumb and Dumber duke it out

Ditzy girl #1: You're so dumb!
Ditzy girl #2: No, you're dumb!
Ditzy girl #1: No, you're dumb!
Smart girl to guy: I think it's safe to say we're all a little drunk.
Ditzy girl #1: No, not drunk! Dumb!

-unnamed bar
Submitted by J.

posted by A. @ 4:35 PM

Wednesday, July 05, 2006

I hope they're transvestites...

Tranny: So, I was in the bathroom and he said, "I'll show you mine if you show me yours." And I said, "But mine is made by God, and yours is made by a doctor."

-Church & Carlton
Submitted by S.

posted by A. @ 8:32 PM

Tuesday, July 04, 2006

I'd like some poker chips with that

Patron: Do you have VLTs?
Waitress: No, sorry, the closest thing we have is a Club Sandwich.

-pub on Bloor Street West

posted by A. @ 8:39 PM

Plastic people say the sweetest things

Barbie girl: Are you made of sugar?
Ken: No, not sugar... I'm made of sweetener so I don't affect your fat-content.

-Church Street

posted by A. @ 8:35 PM

Is it the sturdy oak or the drooping willow?

20-something woman reading newspaper: Those trees do smell like semen!
Mother: ...
20-something woman: ... Not that I know what semen smells like...

-house

posted by A. @ 8:33 PM

The exercise of choice... in the underworld

Man: What do I need to pay $1,000 for fitness membership when I have a scythe?

-house

posted by A. @ 8:32 PM

Pow! Pow! Pow! A tanning saloon gone wild west

Man: It's not as bad as a tanning saloon.
Younger man: A saloon! Ha!
Young woman: It's a salon, not saloon.
Man: Whatever, it's like a saloon what they do there!

-house

posted by A. @ 8:28 PM

Blending the meanings

Girl #1: It's a medley.
Girl #2: Medley's not a bad thing.
Dude: It's just another word for mutt.

-House

posted by A. @ 8:25 PM

My lips are sealed

Rude dude: You have something on your lip.
White-lipped chick: Yeah, I know. I have a cold sore, so I just put something on it.
Rude dude: Sorry, I thought it was food.
Rude dude #2: Ha, yeah, like mayo or something!

-Apartment elevator

posted by A. @ 8:23 PM

Is he talking about ING?

Hipster dude: I'm not into an alternative lifestyle when it comes to my banking.

-Kensington Market

posted by A. @ 8:22 PM

Age-ism at its worst

Teen hipster: Twelve-teen, that's not funny, but Eleven-teen, that's fucking hilarious!

-College & Spadina

posted by A. @ 8:18 PM