quoted in toronto: September 2006

Saturday, September 30, 2006

Canada: the horseshoe around the centre of the world

Radio host on air: LeDrew has just filed his papers to become the next mayor of Canada. ... I mean, Toronto.

-Heard on radio

A case of mistaken ... grills?

Lady standing in kitchen beside cabinets, fridge, stove, sink: So ... is this the kitchen?
Smart-ass painter: No, it's the garage, lady, can't you see all the cars?

-New house

Friday, September 29, 2006

Watch out for the malt balls

Pacing girl looking for candy and yelling to friend: As soon as I eat something, I'm going to have to poo.

-7-11, College & Spadina

The latest tool released by the mighty G

Woman: He gave it to me in cubic inches. Everyone else gives it in litres.
Google-o-phile man: Go to Google. You can convert it there.
Smartypants man: You can convert anything on Google. Jewish to Catholic. Catholic to Jewish.

-Office

Monday, September 25, 2006

Either way you end up in heaps of trouble

Man #1: How do you say Misses in German?
Woman: Frau?
Man #1: Jungfrau means virgin.
Man #2: Really? I thought it was a range of mountains?
Man #3: I wouldn't go using that until I got that cleared...

-office

Saturday, September 23, 2006

In the end, it's all brown

Brown girl #1: I'm really trying to be more brown. I ate spicy food yesterday. That's pretty brown.
Brown girl #2: Yeah, that's pretty brown.

-University of Toronto, King's College Circle
Submitted by A.

Friday, September 22, 2006

The gift that keeps on giving

Man who witnessed ass pants dance: He put on the ass pants and did a feather dance.
Ass pants man: I did not do a feather dance! And I did not "present" myself, as B. likes to say! "Present," that's what pandas do.
Puzzled woman: Pandas? What?
Ass pants man: Pandas present themselves to each other ... in mating rituals.
Puzzled man and woman: ...
Ass pants man: Present. That's the word they use! Present! Don't you watch Discovery Channel?

-office

Planing his board, if ya know what I mean

Whispering man: I was going to say she kissed him between the hangars...

-office

Riveting reading about the prairie folk

Wise bearded man: When did your family come to Canada?
Woman: In the 1950s. They were part of the Zutaten people.
Wise bearded man: I once read a wonderful book called Zutaten Germans in Saskatchewan.
Office: ... (long pause)

-office

Monday, September 18, 2006

Because that could be confusing

Woman holding phone and yelling across room: Hey! It's J.C. .......... Not Jesus Christ!

-office

Swallowing squarepants could be fatal too

Reporter talking about a woman dying after marshmallows lodged in throat during Chubby Bunny contest: I think we need to do a special on it: Marshmallows: The Silent Killer.
Veteran reporter: You're already working on it, aren't you? You can interview Spongey Bob or something.

-newsroom

Thursday, September 14, 2006

Turns out it was a ficticious romance after all

30-year-old single woman talking to table full of other ones: Sorry! I thought you were dating. That's why I said it was like a Judith Krantz novel.

-By the Way Cafe, Bloor Street West

Sunday, September 10, 2006

Schizophrenic delusions of terror

Scruffy dude singing/screaming alone in back alley: I'm a refugee! I'm a terrorist! I'm a refugee! I'm a terrorist! The military is after me! I'm a refugee!

-Bloor St. W.

Thursday, September 07, 2006

If she has multiple cards, is it an orgy?

Dude: And then he said, "Here's my business card. If you get lonely, just rub it all over your body."
Dude #2: That's a great line!

-office

Smells like salt, sticky fingers and bits o' dirt

Woman picks up small playdough container and smells: I wish you could eat playdough. It smells so good.
Woman worker: Eew!
Playdough woman: It does. It smells like kindergarten. (Pauses to reflect.) There's nothing as depressing as playdough with crusty bits around the edges ... Other than the situation in Darfur, of course.
Man worker: Of course.

-Front St. office

Monday, September 04, 2006

Toronto-centrism in the early stages

Boy: Are we in Barrie yet?
Grandpa: Nope.
Boy: Are we still in Toronto?
Grandpa: Nope.
Boy: Well, then, where are we?
Grandpa: Near Barrie.
Boy: I don't understand.
Grandpa: You will soon.

-GO Train

quoted in toronto